Monday, October 08, 2007

Welcome to Nanny Square!

Hey guys, so as some of you know, not only am I a responsible, trustworthy and caring comedian, I'm also a hilarious, quick-witted and politically insightful babysitter! Since I have a contract ending soon, I've posted an ad on Craigslist looking for part-time jobs. I expected to find a bunch of D.I.Y., lefty, hippie parents eager to bring a like-minded comedian into their family; I should have expected a fair share of nutcases. First there was M, who wanted someone to take his baby for a few weeks while he was in Africa. This is his email, minus identifying details:

Hello my name is M_____
I work as an international business man and Textile Supply,I am 41yrs old,I was choosen to supply Textile and Cotton Tread for H & T textile Investment company In Africa and i will be going for not more than three weeks or less.
I have a baby of that will clock 2yrs in August,His name is t____,I'm Looking for someone that will be able to take Good care of this baby for me,And I will be leaving for my trip soon as i see someone to take care of the baby for me till i comes back.. Get back to the full details about how you render service out to customer. What do you want to know from me about t____?
Looking forward to read from you.
call me :1-XXX-322-4767.
Thanks,
M_____

Pretty fishy, huh? I believe my response was quite restrained:

Hi M_____,

Thanks for contacting me. My schedule has filled in and I'll be unable to help you out. Good luck finding someone to care for T_____!

And that was that. I thought I'd done an excellent job of keeping my comedic instincts in check. But then I got this, from ben_cury@yahoo.com :

Hi there! I've been looking on Craigslist for Baby sitter over 2 months Now and still have yet to be able to find a decent Baby sitter (Nanny) $800. I have well-behaved Child Theo Currz 5 years Old . I need Nanny with for my baby with (no offense, well behaved nanny and creative nanny ). Little about my husband He work Full-time at CHEAPFABRICS.CO.US for programming and I am planning on getting back into New teaching school for Massage Therapy. will are Trustworldy, non-smokers, straight and drama-free. i drink a little but mostly while out for dinner or at the club. i don't party and are pretty quiet types, love play drum for Middle-Eastern Belly Dancers (and only during the afternoon when it is suitable). i work full-time days and are very kind, and easy-going, and Inactive LDS but very open-minded. I'm 30 my husband is 37 Year . I am getting anxious and desperate wanting Nanny for my baby , but still have my eyes open for immediate baby sitter !! I am not picky, but I prefer to conclude this with immediate Effect (urgently Needed ). Please let me know if you are available for my service !Did you accept payment through Bank certified check or Money Order? i will like this to be conclude Asap by getting back to me with your Nanny payment details so my Husband can issue out the payment before our baby come Over to your nanny Squre ..
Reply me back with your Payment information ...did you agreed with the fees i want you to send you upon arrive of my child to your daycare
Make sure you get back to me with you......

a brief idea of your personality:
1) What academic qualifications do you possess?
2) Do you have any relevant certificate to back up your babysitting/Nannycareer?
3) How old are you?
4) Are you married?
5) Do you have any special attitude?
6) Do you have any crime records?
7) Do you have a valid drivers license?
8) Tell us more about your temperament .
9) Can we have one or two reference(s) from you?
Regards

This time, I decided to have some fun with what was obviously some kind of scammer. Reply you back? I'll reply you back, buddy. But where to begin? From horrible grammar to inconsistent use of capital letters to unnecessary personal details, it was all too much. Here's how I responded, never thinking we'd actually begin a correspondence:

SO GLAD YOU WRITE I HAVE BEEN LOOKING YET UNABLE FOR NANNY POSITION BABY THEO I LIKE CRATIVE NAME. NO (OFENSE) I SEEK BABY 2 YEAR OR OLDEST FOR WITH POTTY TRAIN NO DIAPER PROBLEM. LITTLE ABOUT ME I AM RESPONSABLE GOOD WITH BABY WELL I DRINK SOMETIMES BUT NOT FOR DAY WITH BABY NO WAY. I LOVE BIKE RIDE WITH FOR BABY OR WITH4OUT BABY DO YOU HAVE HELMUT FOR BABY. IN NANNY SQUARE IS TWO HELMUT FOR ME AND FOR OTHER CHILD. DO YOU HAVE TROUGLE I WATCH TWO OTHER BABY ONE BABY 3, THE OTHER ARE 4! I AM TRUSTWORLDY. NON-SMOKER, ADN DRAMA FREE WELL? SOMETIMES I HVAE DRAME BUT ONLY FOR MY BOYFRIEND. HA HA YOU KNOW. I PREFER TO CONCLUDE THIS WITH IMMEDIATE EFEFCT SO I WE'LL ANSER YOUR QU3STIONS.

a brief idea of your personality:
1) What academic qualifications do you possess?
TWO CREDITS FROM G.E.D. ONE MORE CLASS!

2) Do you have any relevant certificate to back up your babysitting/Nannycareer?
NO."

3) How old are you?
THRITY9

4) Are you married?
YES

5) Do you have any special attitude?
YESA

6) Do you have any crime records?
REPLY ME BACK I WILL CAN GIVE DETAILS (YES)

7. Do you have a valid drivers license?
YES

8) Tell us more about your temperament .
I DONT HAVE TEMPERAMENT AM VERY HEALTHY'

9) Can we have one or two reference(s) from you?
YES

Less than twelve hours later, I got this:

Good to read from you , am so delighted in giving you my child for care so i rest my trust in you ... now i urge your regard to forward me your details so i can proceed in sending you the payment and let you know when my child will arrive your place for service . hope am making sence in this mail ? Once again am glad you will now be among my family cos i see you the same way i am thank you ... write me back with your full name , contacy address, phone number so i can proceed as i stated .

thanks you

I know better than to send some sketchy stranger my full name and contacy address! But, like he said, he's « so delighted in giving me his child for care, » I thought I should write back.

THANKS YOU FOR REPLY I KNOW FAMILY TIME FEELNIG BETWEEN US NOW! BRING YOU BABY THEO TO NANNY SQUARE THURSDAY WILL ARRIVE GOOD TIME HELMUTS OKAY. YOU EMAIL MAKE PERFECT SENCE I KNOW WE FAMILY CARE TRUSTY. 8 A.M. FINE. CAN NOT CALL NOW.OTHER BABY BROKE PHONE AM ANGRY BUT FINE! LOOK FORWARD WITH MEET THEO1

Will Ben Cury/Currz write again? Will Theo arrive at Nanny Square for service? What the hell is Inactive LDS? Stay tuned!

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

your are so funny¡ thanks this was great, specially after reading about phallocentric discourses.

DeAnne said...

i feel assaulted just by the phrase "phallocentric discourse."

Rachel Perriccioli said...

that was gold. especially the part about "cannot call now. other baby broke phone am angry but fine!"

holy hell, i nearly choked on my vegan brownie. kudos.

lise said...

deanne, where would i be without hearing and reading your brilliance? ...i guess i'd be in montreal, but in a sad, deanne-less way.

Anonymous said...

...babies tend to break phones...you`d better have a couple of spare ones around...and for the anger,try some chamomile tea. i´ve got two extra motorcycle helmets;great protection.

lety

Eva said...

Weirdos on Craigslist!
P.S.: Inactive LDS means Mormon who does not go to mass. I watch me some 'Big Love' to see Bill Paxton's butt!

kate said...

sorry my (non) baby broke your (non) phone.

glad you're not violent mad, baby will work off debt.

you make me laugh as always!