Nanny Square: The Final Chapter

Guys, it's with a heavy heart that I report that this will be the final edition of the Nanny Square saga. It's with an even heavier heart that I report that I (and my wise-assery) have been defeated, fair and nanny square, by Ben Cury.

Here's what I got, a day after sending my last email:

It ok .. the number you send to me is incorrect could you pls confrim the phone number and resend it to me so i can give you call asap .

Rather than rambling on about how much "confrim" is my new favorite word, I'll just show you my reply:

PLS CALL 514.67.3298 URGENT TO DISCUSS NANNY DETAILS.

ALSO, WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BABY? RIGHT NOW CAN ONLY ACCEPT WHITE OR VERY LIGHT BROWN BABIES (ONLY GREEN.HASEL EYES).

THANKS YOU!

I thought-- mistakenly, foolishly-- that pushing the correspondence into creepy, vaguely racist territory would be hilarious. I kind of thought ol' Ben Cury would write back with a "Ha ha ha! You got me!" Well, knowing Ben, it would be more like, "HahaHAHAH. U gets me!!" Instead, less than an hour later, I got this:

White and hasel Eyes , sorry for not getting quickly i promise i will call you today .. also the number you send to me is incomplete check the phone number and email me back

thanks you

Dude just won't quit. And as much as I'd like to give him my phone number and see what he's all about in person, I don't think it would be prudent(1). So, reluctantly, I bid farewell to phrases like "i will likes this to be conclude" and "thanks you" and "bcos." You win this round, Ben Cury. But let me say just one more thing:

I WILL LIKES THIS TO BE CONCLUDE BCOS U ARE TO START BE SCARES ME A LITTLE!! MUST GO NOW URGENT. THANKS YOU.

(1)Actually, that's not quite true. I would do it, but my girlfriend advised against it. I trust her judgment more than I trust mine(2).

(2)Just about this. It's not like I'm co-dependent or anything. I do have a mind of my own (3).

(3)Whether or not I actually have underwear or socks of my own(4).

(4)Or pajama pants or opinions about what I should wear(5).

(5)Which would definitely not include scarves made of feathers wool. Apparently, it "ages" me(6).

(6)As does my CD collection. Can I help it if 1998 was a kick-ass year for music? Erykah Badu, Shawn Colvin, Fiona Apple. A golden year, I tell you, the kind of gold that's spun from unshaven arm pits and reusable, organic cotton menstrual pads(7).

(7)Bonus points to readers who realized as soon as I mentioned my girlfriend that this entry would end with the words "menstrual pads."

Nanny Square 3

Amazingly, the correspondence continues to continue!

My last reply, in which I implied that the baby would be in danger at the new and alcohol-soaked Nanny Square, seemed to concern Ben Cury. He quickly assuaged his fears, though, with thoughts of how I could go shopping for his child.

I really understand you living with sister boyfriend..so how are you going to take care of my child ? why i want to send the payment to you is bcos my child may need shopping when she arrive .. also i want to send you your payment as well so if you email me your full contact details then i can know the address where my child is going to ...

try and understand ...

I decided to crank it up a notch.

DEAR CURRZY BEN, THANK YOU FOR UDNERSTANDING. AS I KNEW, YOU VERY TRUSTWORLDLY PERSON AND KIND HARDED. I SEE YOUR POINT OF BABY MAY NEED SHOPPING WHEN SHE ARRIVE. I LOVE SHOPPING FOR BABY! ALL SMALL THINGS-SO CUTE-AND SMALL DRESSES AND TINYTINY HIGH HEELS FOR EXTRA DRESS UP SEXY.

I PREFER TO TELL YOU MY ADDRESS OVER PHONE. DO NOT HAVE MEMORIZED FOR TYPING YET BUT I CAN GO TO LAUNDROMAT NEXT DOOR (VENDING MACHINE, TOO! SALT AND VINEGAR CHIPS) USE PAY PHONE AND READ STREET SIGNS FOR BEST DIRECTION IF YOU CALL. PLUS BETTER BCOS I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG I WILL BE HERE (FOR YELLING, BRUISES, ETC.). MAYBE ADDRESS WILL CHANGE SOON.

WHAT IS YOUR PHONE NUMBER? I WILL CALL YOU WITH MORE DETAILS.

P.S. DONT WORRY I WILL TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOUR BABY THEO I TOTALY UNDERSTAND YOUR SITUATION SOMETIMES BABY IS A PAIN IN THE YOU KNOW (HAHAHA) AND YOU MUST USE NANNY FOR PART TIME CARE. I WILL TAKE GOOD CARE WATCHING BABY AND PLAYING NOT DANGEROUS WITH BABY.

PLEASE REPLY ME BACK YOUR PHONE NUMBER URGENT...WE WILL DISCUSS!

Have I foiled Ben into telling me his phone number? Why are the laundromat's salt and vinegar chips so delicious? And seriously, why are skinny, anemic dudes running around in super tight black jeans these days? The answers to at least one of these questions on the next installment of Nanny Square!

Nanny Square, Squared

The correspondence continues!

Yes i got your email DeAnne Smith it is pleasure to me , meanwhile i will need your payment information cos the payment will be sent to you via Money order which i urge your regard to write me back with the payment details .. Full name , contact address, phone number , minf you my child will be available from 2pm to 8pm bcos she do go school so after school you are to take care of Her .. if i can sake can you take care of her weekend ?
kindly email me back .. once again am delighted in your service .

Hey, Ben read enough of my email to use my full name, which inspires trust. I mean, if he can sake, maybe I can take care of her weekend. Let's see how far Ben wants to go with this thing.

DEAR CURZZY BEN 2 P.M TO 8 PM CHILD AVAILABLE GOOD COS AFTER SCHOOL CARE KIDNLY. I DNOT HAVE PHONE NUMBER AT THIS TIME! MY PAROLE OFFICER INTERCEPT ALL CALL-- DIFFICULT TO TALK PRIVATE! PLEASE BRING BABY TO NANNY SQUARE THURDSAY 2 P.M. WILL WAIT ARRIVAL. IN REGARD TO NANNY CARE PAYMENT WE CAN DISCUSS TOMORROW. I ACCEPT CASH, CHECK, MONEY ORDER AND MARIJUANNA (ONLY HYDROPHONIC GROWN). THANKS YOU LOOK FORWARD TO MEET MY NEWEST NANNY SQUARE FAMILY MEMBER! SOME QUESTIONS BEFORE BABY ARRIVAL:

-DOES BABY HAS SPECIAL ALLERGIC NEEDS?

-DOES BABY NAPTIME PLAY QUIET? (3-5 P.M. FOR WATCHING DR PHIL ETC..)

-ON WEEKEND, DOES BABY NEED BED SATURDAY NIGHT OR IN CAR BACKSEAT OKAY FOR DANCING AND FUN TIME FOR NANNY?

THANK YOU KINDLY REGARD!

You'd think Ben would get the hint. You'd be wrong. Perhaps you're the kind of person who also thinks skinny men in fitted, black jeans look "cool" and "emo" as opposed to "ill" and "chickeny." You're all kinds of wrong. Here's more from Ben:

Good ... am so delighted in caring for my child .. email me back with your payment details cos the payment will be sent via Money order so i urge your regard to email me back with your full name , contact address, phone number so i can proceed and let you know when my child will arrive .

GREAT! PAYMENT DETAILS UNAVAIBLE NOW...AM LIVING WITH SISTER'S BOYFRIENDS MOM NO POSTAL CODE!! WAITED ARRIVAL THURSDAY FOR BABY. WHAT HAPPENED? OH WELL, IS PROBABLY GOOD BCOS SISTER'S BOYFRIENDS MOM VERY DRUNK VERY ANGRY ON THURSDAY DIFFICULT TO HAVE QUIET NAP TIME OR PLAY NICE TMIE FOR BABY. DO BABY HAVE PROBLEM FOR LOUD SHOUTING? OR THROWING LAMPS ON OCCASSION? DO BABY HAVE GOOD REFLECTS? CAN BABY ACT INVISIBLE? THINKING NOW ALL IS IMPORTANT BABY SKILLS FOR NEW NANNY SQUARE. LET ME KNOW. ONCE AGAIN, THANK YOU FINE!!

P.S. FOUND (STOLE) SELL PHONE. DO CALL FOR MORE DETAILS. 514.67.3298...

Will Ben Call? Will I finally break down and give up my payment details? What makes sister's boyfriend's mom so angry? Stayed tuned for the next installment of Nanny Square!

Welcome to Nanny Square!

Hey guys, so as some of you know, not only am I a responsible, trustworthy and caring comedian, I'm also a hilarious, quick-witted and politically insightful babysitter! Since I have a contract ending soon, I've posted an ad on Craigslist looking for part-time jobs. I expected to find a bunch of D.I.Y., lefty, hippie parents eager to bring a like-minded comedian into their family; I should have expected a fair share of nutcases. First there was M, who wanted someone to take his baby for a few weeks while he was in Africa. This is his email, minus identifying details:

Hello my name is M_____
I work as an international business man and Textile Supply,I am 41yrs old,I was choosen to supply Textile and Cotton Tread for H & T textile Investment company In Africa and i will be going for not more than three weeks or less.
I have a baby of that will clock 2yrs in August,His name is t____,I'm Looking for someone that will be able to take Good care of this baby for me,And I will be leaving for my trip soon as i see someone to take care of the baby for me till i comes back.. Get back to the full details about how you render service out to customer. What do you want to know from me about t____?
Looking forward to read from you.
call me :1-XXX-322-4767.
Thanks,
M_____

Pretty fishy, huh? I believe my response was quite restrained:

Hi M_____,

Thanks for contacting me. My schedule has filled in and I'll be unable to help you out. Good luck finding someone to care for T_____!

And that was that. I thought I'd done an excellent job of keeping my comedic instincts in check. But then I got this, from ben_cury@yahoo.com :

Hi there! I've been looking on Craigslist for Baby sitter over 2 months Now and still have yet to be able to find a decent Baby sitter (Nanny) $800. I have well-behaved Child Theo Currz 5 years Old . I need Nanny with for my baby with (no offense, well behaved nanny and creative nanny ). Little about my husband He work Full-time at CHEAPFABRICS.CO.US for programming and I am planning on getting back into New teaching school for Massage Therapy. will are Trustworldy, non-smokers, straight and drama-free. i drink a little but mostly while out for dinner or at the club. i don't party and are pretty quiet types, love play drum for Middle-Eastern Belly Dancers (and only during the afternoon when it is suitable). i work full-time days and are very kind, and easy-going, and Inactive LDS but very open-minded. I'm 30 my husband is 37 Year . I am getting anxious and desperate wanting Nanny for my baby , but still have my eyes open for immediate baby sitter !! I am not picky, but I prefer to conclude this with immediate Effect (urgently Needed ). Please let me know if you are available for my service !Did you accept payment through Bank certified check or Money Order? i will like this to be conclude Asap by getting back to me with your Nanny payment details so my Husband can issue out the payment before our baby come Over to your nanny Squre ..
Reply me back with your Payment information ...did you agreed with the fees i want you to send you upon arrive of my child to your daycare
Make sure you get back to me with you......

a brief idea of your personality:
1) What academic qualifications do you possess?
2) Do you have any relevant certificate to back up your babysitting/Nannycareer?
3) How old are you?
4) Are you married?
5) Do you have any special attitude?
6) Do you have any crime records?
7) Do you have a valid drivers license?
8) Tell us more about your temperament .
9) Can we have one or two reference(s) from you?
Regards

This time, I decided to have some fun with what was obviously some kind of scammer. Reply you back? I'll reply you back, buddy. But where to begin? From horrible grammar to inconsistent use of capital letters to unnecessary personal details, it was all too much. Here's how I responded, never thinking we'd actually begin a correspondence:

SO GLAD YOU WRITE I HAVE BEEN LOOKING YET UNABLE FOR NANNY POSITION BABY THEO I LIKE CRATIVE NAME. NO (OFENSE) I SEEK BABY 2 YEAR OR OLDEST FOR WITH POTTY TRAIN NO DIAPER PROBLEM. LITTLE ABOUT ME I AM RESPONSABLE GOOD WITH BABY WELL I DRINK SOMETIMES BUT NOT FOR DAY WITH BABY NO WAY. I LOVE BIKE RIDE WITH FOR BABY OR WITH4OUT BABY DO YOU HAVE HELMUT FOR BABY. IN NANNY SQUARE IS TWO HELMUT FOR ME AND FOR OTHER CHILD. DO YOU HAVE TROUGLE I WATCH TWO OTHER BABY ONE BABY 3, THE OTHER ARE 4! I AM TRUSTWORLDY. NON-SMOKER, ADN DRAMA FREE WELL? SOMETIMES I HVAE DRAME BUT ONLY FOR MY BOYFRIEND. HA HA YOU KNOW. I PREFER TO CONCLUDE THIS WITH IMMEDIATE EFEFCT SO I WE'LL ANSER YOUR QU3STIONS.

a brief idea of your personality:
1) What academic qualifications do you possess?
TWO CREDITS FROM G.E.D. ONE MORE CLASS!

2) Do you have any relevant certificate to back up your babysitting/Nannycareer?
NO."

3) How old are you?
THRITY9

4) Are you married?
YES

5) Do you have any special attitude?
YESA

6) Do you have any crime records?
REPLY ME BACK I WILL CAN GIVE DETAILS (YES)

7. Do you have a valid drivers license?
YES

8) Tell us more about your temperament .
I DONT HAVE TEMPERAMENT AM VERY HEALTHY'

9) Can we have one or two reference(s) from you?
YES

Less than twelve hours later, I got this:

Good to read from you , am so delighted in giving you my child for care so i rest my trust in you ... now i urge your regard to forward me your details so i can proceed in sending you the payment and let you know when my child will arrive your place for service . hope am making sence in this mail ? Once again am glad you will now be among my family cos i see you the same way i am thank you ... write me back with your full name , contacy address, phone number so i can proceed as i stated .

thanks you

I know better than to send some sketchy stranger my full name and contacy address! But, like he said, he's « so delighted in giving me his child for care, » I thought I should write back.

THANKS YOU FOR REPLY I KNOW FAMILY TIME FEELNIG BETWEEN US NOW! BRING YOU BABY THEO TO NANNY SQUARE THURSDAY WILL ARRIVE GOOD TIME HELMUTS OKAY. YOU EMAIL MAKE PERFECT SENCE I KNOW WE FAMILY CARE TRUSTY. 8 A.M. FINE. CAN NOT CALL NOW.OTHER BABY BROKE PHONE AM ANGRY BUT FINE! LOOK FORWARD WITH MEET THEO1

Will Ben Cury/Currz write again? Will Theo arrive at Nanny Square for service? What the hell is Inactive LDS? Stay tuned!