Clare & Brenda

Hi guys. When I promised to update this blog regularly, I lied. Let's get that out of the way first. So, yes. I am a liar. My pants are on fire. I have already hung them on the telephone wire, in violation of multiple city ordinances. Okay? Can we just move on?

Good. Because the thing that snapped me out of my writing hibernation, in addition to the prospect of mixed metaphors, was this little gem I found written on the back of a postcard, tucked into a book in a used bookstore in Melbourne:

Dear Clare,

Thank you very much for the chance to read this. It's quite inclusive, but the overall effect is of wonderful complexity, rather than indiscriminateness. Amy Witting is especially interesting and of course I love Gillian's style. The Ken Inglis piece is helpful, as I expected. He's so knowledgeable-- I've seen him add so much to seminars.

I loved the Penguin Summer Stories. Thank you. And I hear that A Century of Story has the most remarkable design. I'm looking forward to it.

Love,
Brenda.

"Who cares about someone else's forgotten postcard?" I can hear you grumbling. (That is, if I flatter myself to believe that 1.) someone's reading this, 2.) someone cares enough to have feelings about it, and 3.) someone would then vocalize those feelings in the form of a grumbly inquiry.) But don't you hear it, too? No, not the sound of your own grumbling (it's lovely that you care), but the subtext screaming beneath those well-chosen words! Screaming, I tell you! There's layer 1, of course, but I find layer 2 even more interesting. Here it is, as I understand it:

Dear Clare,
1. Dear Clare
2. My darling Clare, sun and moon to me,

Thank you very much for the chance to read this.
1. Thank you for giving me the excuse to write you.
2. I love you.

It's quite inclusive, but the overall effect is of wonderful complexity, rather than indiscriminateness.
1. I know and make use of many big words, some that contain both suffixes and prefixes. Are you impressed?
2. I ache to show you my wonderful complexity.

Amy Witting is especially interesting and of course I love Gillian's style.
1. I've read very carefully. Or, at least, I give praise to suggest that I have. Impressed?
2. I've always been a woman-loving woman.

The Ken Inglis piece is helpful, as I expected.
1. I'm very familiar with the work of Inglis. Seriously, how impressed are you?
2. I'm not, however, averse to men; I'm not a stereotype, Clare.

He's so knowledgeable-- I've seen him add so much to seminars.
1. Like I said, me and Ingly go way back. Impressive, is it not?
2. I do, however, attend seminars. Some stereotypes are true, Clare.

I loved the Penguin Summer Stories.
1. I even know who published this. Impressed much?
2. Please let me touch you.

Thank you.
1. I am delighted to have had this opportunity to impress you.
2. My fingertips quiver with anticipation at the mere suggestion of your smooth, buttery skin.

And I hear that A Century of Story has the most remarkable design.
1. I'm in the know about other books as well. Welcome to Impressiveville! Population: You!
2. My vagina is opening like a slow-motion rose blossom.

I'm looking forward to it.
1. I'm going to tell you about that book as well. Get ready to be impressed, my little friend.
2. You are my sacred, only, truest true love.

Love,
Brenda.
1. Love, Brenda.
2. I must anchor my name with punctuation mark, my darling, because I am adrift in the sweet, salty, tumultuous sea of Clare.

Lest you guys think I'm being imaginative and fanciful (Oh, how I would love for someone to accuse me of being fanciful! And then slap me lightly on the cheek with a hand-stitched, goat leather glove!), all of this was written in rich black ink on a black-and-white postcard featuring, what? Well-dressed old ladies riding camels. Don't make me spell out the subtext on that, you perverts.

Personal Highlights of 2007

Okay, there's really only one. Sure, I got into Just for Laughs this year, making it possible for my parents to see me perform at an internationally acclaimed comedy festival (Who's an "accident" now, suckers?). Sure, I found true love. (At least I think it's true love; she has the password to my gmail account.) Yes, I debuted on television, garnering fans from as far afield as England and Ottawa. Yes, I made some great friends, with whom I shared holidays and fun nights and poutine-induced indigestion. Indeed, I traveled the southern U.S. of A. with the Dykes of Hazard Comedy Tour, learning way more than I wanted to know about Louisiana. (In the state of Louisiana, same-sex marriages are banned but marriages between cousins are a-okay!) Yes, I grasped the tiny fingers of more than a few tykes, helping them discover both the joy of upright mobility and the tragedy of taking a coffee table to the face. Any of these moments could have been the highlight of 2007, but one moment stands out for me in particular, one very private and personal moment: the day Jodie Foster came out of the closet.

On December 12, 2007, after fiercely guarding her private life for a decade and a half, Jodie Foster finally admitted what we've all known for a long time: she hasn't been in a really kick-ass movie since Silence of the Lambs. I mean, Contact, Panic Room and Flightplan were decent, but Maverick? Really? Anytime Mel Gibson is cast as a "wisecracking gambler," it's going to go from smug to worse. Jodie, Jodie, Jodie. You should have known better. In December, while receiving an award at the Women in Entertainment Power 100 breakfast in L.A., Jodie thanked "my beautiful Cydney" in her acceptance speech.

Jodie didn't actually come right out and say she was gay, but inferences can be made. With a name like "Cydney," the beautiful girl in question is one of three things:

1. A sexy cyborg built by a skinny, Pakistani geek at M.I.T.
2. A spoiled, Upper East Side 2-year-old on her way to a mommy-and-me hot yoga class.
3. A lesbian life partner.

I wager the latter, mostly because I can't see how a spoiled, Upper East Side 2-year-old or a cyborg could have helped Jodie Foster make it onto the Entertainment Power 100 list. That's the kind of milestone one needs some serious homo lovin' to achieve. Or at least some serious life-partnering. While Jodie was busy making movies, someone had to order the imported, Swedish, moose-milk cheese. Someone had to make sure the $750,000 Human Rights Campaign donation cleared. Someone had to schedule the Dead Sea mineral salt scrub spa treatment appointments and send Anne Sweeney a silk-wrapped, diamond-encrusted, organic mango basket. Someone had to polish the 14th century platinum gravy ladle.

Fine. Obviously, I have no idea what Jodie and Cydney's personal life looks like. I'm basing it on lives I've seen, but with more dolla dolla bills thrown into the mix. I also have no idea what dolla dolla bills look like, but I'm basing them on things I've seen thrown at boobs in rap videos.

So, how did lesbians react to the news? Some wept. Some celebrated. Some were like, "Whatevs. When's L-Word season 5 starting? That trans one is hot." I squealed with glee and then felt retroactively vindicated for 17% of my masturbatory fantasies since 1990.

Like many a budding lesbo, I knew Foster was gay before I knew I was gay. Heck, I knew Foster was gay before I even knew what gay WAS. How else can one explain the fact that I spent the whole summer I was 15-turning-16 renting every Jodie Foster movie ever made? I just knew. I knew. There was something kindred in the twinkle in her eye, the way she moved her mouth, the fact that she always looked uncomfortable in a period-piece dress. (Let this be my second and final reference to the film Maverick.) I even saw Bugsy Malone, an all-child gangster musical, in which Jodie plays Tallulah, the creepily flirtatious lead singer of Fat Sam's speakeasy. Lest you skip over the details of that previous sentence, which I will admit is jam-packed with information, let me recap. All-Child. Gangster. Musical. Those are three concepts you don't want to see mixed up in a movie any more than you'd want to see a movie sold as, say, an All-female Plumber Drama. Actually, wait a sec. I would see that. Jodie Foster, Judi Dench, and that trans one from the L-Word starring in an All-female Plumber Drama. Welcome to the other 83% of my masturbatory fantasies from now on.

Many people are criticizing Jodie for waiting so long to come out, but I'm not among them. Because of my careful viewing, I know that she actually came out during the filming of Nell. The thing is, everyone on the set assumed she was practicing the nonsense known as "Nellspeak." Watch for it. Every time Nell looks like an angel with spatial reasoning issues and a low I.Q., cooing "chick-a-bay" over and over, that's actually Foster trying desperately to communicate, "I am gay!" Chick-a-bay: I am gay. Chick-a-wee: I love pussy; I seriously do. No, seriously, I really, really do. I honestly and seriously really do. I love pussy. Seriously.

Apparently Foster met her partner on the set of Sommersby, which didn't surprise me at all. I knew it! I could sense their lesbian love blossoming; that's why I watched that movie eleven times. Or, wait. No. I watched that movie eleven times because Jodie wore her hair in long braids. It's all coming back to me now. Hell yeah, those braids. I challenge you to find any other hairstyle that's as cozy and down home and yet, at the same time, so sexily indicative of finger dexterity. You can't! Unless you count when people shave complex zigzags into the sides of their heads, but I, for one, am not generally attracted to 15-and-a-half-year-old boys. Unless I've mistaken them for lesbians. (Note to lesbians and teenage boys: stop wearing wife-beaters and Converse! You're confusing me.)

Jodie finally admitting that she's batting for Team Chick-a-wee was the absolute highlight of 2007 for me. Suspecting she was and yet unable to confirm it, I haven't been able to relax and enjoy any of her movies, at least in the way they were intended to be enjoyed. While Jodie's on screen, I can't help but whisper lewd comments like, "You trying to make contact? I'll show you where you can make contact. In my pants." Or: "You designed the flight plan? Well, I've got a plan for you to look into. In my pants." The Brave One was difficult to get through in this fashion, though. Expressions like, "You wanna see bloodshed? I've got some bloodshed. In my pants," and "Hey, I'll show you a murderous vigilante. In my pants," don't have as sexy a ring to them.

2007 will always be, for me, the year in which I achieved all of my life-until-now's major goals. I passionately pursued my life's calling, I expanded my capacity to love and be loved, and I found out, for sure, that Jodie Foster is a total, raging dyke. In fact, 2007 was so wonderful that it's given me high hopes for 2008. May this be the year in which I make a living doing one-woman shows, I continue to cultivate romantic and platonic love on a deep and intimate level, and Lisa Simpson grows up, turns real, comes out and marries me. Here's to 2008!

Sweet Japanese Girl

Despite having been steeped in mildly to moderate misogynistic comedy club culture for the past three years, a shred of my former feminist self remains. I was worried there for a minute, when I found myself completely relating to the headliner I worked with last weekend. When, three years ago, I would have found his observations predictable and even sad, a cause for him to reflect upon his relationship to women and perhaps even his relationship to his own sense of sexual shame, last weekend I was listening in the back like, "Yeah, I do know what you mean! Vaginas do look funny! Sometimes they do smell kinda bad! Heh heh heh. Clams! BUCKET of clams! Ha!"

I was worried. I was ashamed. Especially after I high-fived myself.

Apparently, though, there's still an offended feminist within me, awakened by this little gem from the cosmetics company Lush. It's the Sweet Japanese Girl cleanser. (Which my kick-ass friend, Josie Caro, alerted me to.)

It's hard to even know where to begin. Sweet? Japanese? Girl? How sexist! How racist! How insensitive! Sure, some ignorant and disgusting people might like to rub their dirty bodies with a crude representation of a sweet Japanese girl, but what of those of us who are beyond that, who have actually thought about concepts like sexism and racism, who might like their soap to come in the shape of, say, a "Bewildered Indian" or an "Angry Polynesian" girl? I'd like to rub my body with an Angry Polynesian. Hell yeah. Where, I ask, is the soap for people like us?

Shit! Sorry! Damn it! I'm missing my own point, aren't I? See, sometimes the lesbian part of me gets the better of the feminist part of me. It happens. These two women that reside within me—figuratively, of course—conflict, often over American Apparel ads. The feminist part of me will be shocked and outraged that any company would try to peddle its overpriced, shoddy cotton wear by slapping it haphazardly over the exposed crotch areas of droopy-lidded anemic teenagers, while the lesbian part of me thinks, well, it's kinda hot. Then these two women that reside within me—figuratively, of course—confront each other with their points of view. They have to fight it out—figuratively, of course—while I then have to masturbate— figurative...actually, no. Quite literally. Whatever. Don't judge me.

In any case, if you're as offended as I am by Lush's product, let them know! I've collected contact emails from their website for your convenience. Feel free to write your own letter or to copy and paste one of my sample letters.

The first email address, feedback@lush.com, is for "constructive feedback and suggestions." They're probably expecting stuff like, "Wow, ever since I started using Mask of Magnaminty, my pores are unnoticeable! In fact, my pores are so unnoticeable, the actual skin on my face has disappeared! Thanks, Lush, for solving the problem of me having skin and that skin having pores and those pores functioning! P.S. I'm down to a size 0, too, so it's perfect!! I'm not sure I even exist." Here's the letter I'm sending to feedback:

Hi Lush!!

I recently bought your Sweet Japanese Girl facial cleanser. I absolutely loved how the almonds exfoliated my face. I've used plain, roasted almonds as a skin cleanser in the past, but you guys were really smart to put them in a soap, it's way easier!! Also I love how the tea tree oil detoxifies my face, just like your website says! Before that my face was totally toxic and I'd always get that dumb Britney Spears song stuck in my head and she's so gross now ewww. Anyways, I have a small suggestion, tho. Maybe with the Sweet Japanese Girl Soap, in addition to putting in more almonds, which are totally awesome, you could also, like, be a socially conscious company and stop perpetuating racial stereotypes about Japanese girls being sweet! Just a thought! Thanks, Lush!!

The next email address is for "specific complaints or compliments," meaning they won't read it at all, which is obvious by the way they've named the account: rants@lush.com. Here goes:

Hey guys,

I just bought your Sweet Japanese Girl soap and I love it but I did have a problem. I mean, I did it how you guys said, by warming the bar in my hands and rubbing it on my entire face. I removed it with warm water and I followed up with the Tea Tree water facial toner and everything. But I felt like, after using this soap, my skin, especially in the T-zone, was a bit greasier and more sexist and racist than it's ever felt before. I used to use Fresh Farmacy and I didn't have that problem. I mean, a soap shaped like a square probably works one way and one shaped like an exaggeratedly flat, chubby-cheeked, slanty-eyed, no-nosed ethnic "face" probably works a whole other way. Do you think it could be the shape of the soap that makes my skin feel filmy and prejudiced? Let me know! Thanks!

The next address, products@lush.com, is for product-specific questions. They say we should allow up to 72 hours for their reply and they thank us in advance for our patience. Translation: "Corrine, our e-mail intern, gets to this between fetching us Double Tall Soy Lattes and reading depilatory tips in the latest Cosmo. You'll hear back from us when we feel like it." This one was, by far, the most fun to write:

Hey Lush, I have a few questions about Sweet Japanese Girl (SJG). Were you guys being intentionally racist, misogynistic and sexist when you introduced SJG or was that just a coincidence? When between Baby Face and Angels on Bare Skin did you decide it was acceptable to make a grotesquely exaggerated portrayal of a Japanese face? Why does the face look as if it's been bashed in with a frying pan? Or is it supposed to look as if it's been bashed in with a wok? Why doesn't SJG have a nose? Who writes the obviously fake customer reviews on your website? How can you pride yourself on being a "fun & funky" store (no doubt funkier by the use of an ampersand!) when you carry a product that so clearly offends Asians & pretty much any thinking human being? Is thinly vieled racism supposed to be "fun & funky ?" How did SJG pass not just one person, but a supposed TEAM of people, from design to packaging to marketing? Are you interested in having customers? Do you realize that there are over 128 million Japanese people in the world? What the fuck is wrong with you? And why didn't you at least make SJG smell like Soba noodles? Thank you in advance to your answers to any or all of my questions.

Okay, guys, the last email address, support@lush.com, is a contact if you have "a technical issue with the web-site or forum." They say they'll "endeavor to get back to you within 24 hours to either provide a solution or indicate that we are working on this for you." Here's my letter:

Hi Lush,

I'm having a problem with your website. On the page http://usa.lush.com/cgi-bin/lushdb/234?expand=Skincare there's a product called Sweet Japanese Girl. I'm wondering if this is a glitch, maybe something to do with Y2K? I'm from 2008, not 1908, and where I'm from, Japanese people aren't exotic and sweet and cute and but rather just regular people. I'm wondering why this shows up on the website when there are no other comparable offensively stereotypical products, nothing like Hot-Tempered Mexican Girl or Oppressed Arab Girl or Ignorant American Girl. Is it possible that your server's down? Whatever it is, I'd appreciate you working on it. Please get back to me to let me know what solution you can provide. Thanks!

So, guys, those are the letters I've sent. I'll let you know if I hear anything back. If you decide to write to Lush or want to spout off, drop me a comment!

Seasonal Affective Disorder Quiz

Thanks to Daylight Savings Time, we've recently "gained" an hour, and I'm starting to feel the ol' seasonal affective disorder kick in. I mean, did most of you spend the "extra hour" sitting cross-legged in the dark, contemplating all the bad choices you've made in your life so far, feeling vitamin A drain out of your body in inverse proportion to the growing sense that you'll never truly love or be loved? Well, if you think you may have SAD (Aww, isn't that an adorable acronym?), here's a handy quiz you can take to find out for sure!

1. When the sun sets, I am usually:

a.) Whistling as I work. I love work! And whistling! Tweedle tweedle!

b.) Watching Oprah give away 600 thread count, organic, cotton sheet sets to South African orphans.

c.) Crying, curled up in a fetal position.


2. In Winter, I especially like to:

a.) Ski! Give me a brisk day and a snowy mountain and I'm in heaven! Tweedly tweedle!

b.) Watch hockey, snowboarding, and Party of Five reruns.

c.) Cry, curled up in a fetal position in a bed I haven't left all day.


3. Most of my friends would say I am:

a.) Super fun and a super duper nice person! Tweedle tweedle twee twee!

b.) In control. Robin, Dr. Phil's wife, says I can make deliberate choices that lead to a richer, happier, and more meaningful life.

c.) Crying, curled up in a fetal position in a bed I haven't left all day, which is filled with used tissues.


4. One thing that really gets on my nerves is:

a.) Mean people. Boo on meanies! Tweedle weedle wee wee wee!

b.) Commercials.

c.) Crying, curled up in a fetal position in a bed I haven't left all day, which is filled with used tissues and an ever increasing amount of Cool Ranch Dorito crumbs.


5. Waking up in the morning, I think:

a.) Wow, Jesus sure did make another blue-ribbon winner of a hum-dingingly glorious day! Tweedle deedle doo!

b.) Did I already miss The View?

c.) Oh, I'm still crying, curled up in a fetal position in a bed I haven't left in five days, which is filled with used tissues, an ever increasing amount of Cool Ranch Dorito crumbs, and an unshakable sense that I'm an ultimately useless collection of molecules destined to live out a meaningless existence only to find myself at the end of it--having never even had so much as one decent hair cut-- unloved, unaccomplished and deeply and utterly alone.

Time for scoring!
Mostly (a)s: You can fuck yourself.
Mostly (b)s: Congrats. You're slugging through.
Mostly (c)s: Hey, do you get that cold, empty feeling in your chest? Like no amount of Cool Ranch Doritos or praise or human touch will ever be enough? Well, only about five more months to go.

Hope that was helpful, guys! Happy Daylight Savings Time!

Nanny Square: The Final Chapter

Guys, it's with a heavy heart that I report that this will be the final edition of the Nanny Square saga. It's with an even heavier heart that I report that I (and my wise-assery) have been defeated, fair and nanny square, by Ben Cury.

Here's what I got, a day after sending my last email:

It ok .. the number you send to me is incorrect could you pls confrim the phone number and resend it to me so i can give you call asap .

Rather than rambling on about how much "confrim" is my new favorite word, I'll just show you my reply:

PLS CALL 514.67.3298 URGENT TO DISCUSS NANNY DETAILS.

ALSO, WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BABY? RIGHT NOW CAN ONLY ACCEPT WHITE OR VERY LIGHT BROWN BABIES (ONLY GREEN.HASEL EYES).

THANKS YOU!

I thought-- mistakenly, foolishly-- that pushing the correspondence into creepy, vaguely racist territory would be hilarious. I kind of thought ol' Ben Cury would write back with a "Ha ha ha! You got me!" Well, knowing Ben, it would be more like, "HahaHAHAH. U gets me!!" Instead, less than an hour later, I got this:

White and hasel Eyes , sorry for not getting quickly i promise i will call you today .. also the number you send to me is incomplete check the phone number and email me back

thanks you

Dude just won't quit. And as much as I'd like to give him my phone number and see what he's all about in person, I don't think it would be prudent(1). So, reluctantly, I bid farewell to phrases like "i will likes this to be conclude" and "thanks you" and "bcos." You win this round, Ben Cury. But let me say just one more thing:

I WILL LIKES THIS TO BE CONCLUDE BCOS U ARE TO START BE SCARES ME A LITTLE!! MUST GO NOW URGENT. THANKS YOU.

(1)Actually, that's not quite true. I would do it, but my girlfriend advised against it. I trust her judgment more than I trust mine(2).

(2)Just about this. It's not like I'm co-dependent or anything. I do have a mind of my own (3).

(3)Whether or not I actually have underwear or socks of my own(4).

(4)Or pajama pants or opinions about what I should wear(5).

(5)Which would definitely not include scarves made of feathers wool. Apparently, it "ages" me(6).

(6)As does my CD collection. Can I help it if 1998 was a kick-ass year for music? Erykah Badu, Shawn Colvin, Fiona Apple. A golden year, I tell you, the kind of gold that's spun from unshaven arm pits and reusable, organic cotton menstrual pads(7).

(7)Bonus points to readers who realized as soon as I mentioned my girlfriend that this entry would end with the words "menstrual pads."

Nanny Square 3

Amazingly, the correspondence continues to continue!

My last reply, in which I implied that the baby would be in danger at the new and alcohol-soaked Nanny Square, seemed to concern Ben Cury. He quickly assuaged his fears, though, with thoughts of how I could go shopping for his child.

I really understand you living with sister boyfriend..so how are you going to take care of my child ? why i want to send the payment to you is bcos my child may need shopping when she arrive .. also i want to send you your payment as well so if you email me your full contact details then i can know the address where my child is going to ...

try and understand ...

I decided to crank it up a notch.

DEAR CURRZY BEN, THANK YOU FOR UDNERSTANDING. AS I KNEW, YOU VERY TRUSTWORLDLY PERSON AND KIND HARDED. I SEE YOUR POINT OF BABY MAY NEED SHOPPING WHEN SHE ARRIVE. I LOVE SHOPPING FOR BABY! ALL SMALL THINGS-SO CUTE-AND SMALL DRESSES AND TINYTINY HIGH HEELS FOR EXTRA DRESS UP SEXY.

I PREFER TO TELL YOU MY ADDRESS OVER PHONE. DO NOT HAVE MEMORIZED FOR TYPING YET BUT I CAN GO TO LAUNDROMAT NEXT DOOR (VENDING MACHINE, TOO! SALT AND VINEGAR CHIPS) USE PAY PHONE AND READ STREET SIGNS FOR BEST DIRECTION IF YOU CALL. PLUS BETTER BCOS I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG I WILL BE HERE (FOR YELLING, BRUISES, ETC.). MAYBE ADDRESS WILL CHANGE SOON.

WHAT IS YOUR PHONE NUMBER? I WILL CALL YOU WITH MORE DETAILS.

P.S. DONT WORRY I WILL TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOUR BABY THEO I TOTALY UNDERSTAND YOUR SITUATION SOMETIMES BABY IS A PAIN IN THE YOU KNOW (HAHAHA) AND YOU MUST USE NANNY FOR PART TIME CARE. I WILL TAKE GOOD CARE WATCHING BABY AND PLAYING NOT DANGEROUS WITH BABY.

PLEASE REPLY ME BACK YOUR PHONE NUMBER URGENT...WE WILL DISCUSS!

Have I foiled Ben into telling me his phone number? Why are the laundromat's salt and vinegar chips so delicious? And seriously, why are skinny, anemic dudes running around in super tight black jeans these days? The answers to at least one of these questions on the next installment of Nanny Square!

Nanny Square, Squared

The correspondence continues!

Yes i got your email DeAnne Smith it is pleasure to me , meanwhile i will need your payment information cos the payment will be sent to you via Money order which i urge your regard to write me back with the payment details .. Full name , contact address, phone number , minf you my child will be available from 2pm to 8pm bcos she do go school so after school you are to take care of Her .. if i can sake can you take care of her weekend ?
kindly email me back .. once again am delighted in your service .

Hey, Ben read enough of my email to use my full name, which inspires trust. I mean, if he can sake, maybe I can take care of her weekend. Let's see how far Ben wants to go with this thing.

DEAR CURZZY BEN 2 P.M TO 8 PM CHILD AVAILABLE GOOD COS AFTER SCHOOL CARE KIDNLY. I DNOT HAVE PHONE NUMBER AT THIS TIME! MY PAROLE OFFICER INTERCEPT ALL CALL-- DIFFICULT TO TALK PRIVATE! PLEASE BRING BABY TO NANNY SQUARE THURDSAY 2 P.M. WILL WAIT ARRIVAL. IN REGARD TO NANNY CARE PAYMENT WE CAN DISCUSS TOMORROW. I ACCEPT CASH, CHECK, MONEY ORDER AND MARIJUANNA (ONLY HYDROPHONIC GROWN). THANKS YOU LOOK FORWARD TO MEET MY NEWEST NANNY SQUARE FAMILY MEMBER! SOME QUESTIONS BEFORE BABY ARRIVAL:

-DOES BABY HAS SPECIAL ALLERGIC NEEDS?

-DOES BABY NAPTIME PLAY QUIET? (3-5 P.M. FOR WATCHING DR PHIL ETC..)

-ON WEEKEND, DOES BABY NEED BED SATURDAY NIGHT OR IN CAR BACKSEAT OKAY FOR DANCING AND FUN TIME FOR NANNY?

THANK YOU KINDLY REGARD!

You'd think Ben would get the hint. You'd be wrong. Perhaps you're the kind of person who also thinks skinny men in fitted, black jeans look "cool" and "emo" as opposed to "ill" and "chickeny." You're all kinds of wrong. Here's more from Ben:

Good ... am so delighted in caring for my child .. email me back with your payment details cos the payment will be sent via Money order so i urge your regard to email me back with your full name , contact address, phone number so i can proceed and let you know when my child will arrive .

GREAT! PAYMENT DETAILS UNAVAIBLE NOW...AM LIVING WITH SISTER'S BOYFRIENDS MOM NO POSTAL CODE!! WAITED ARRIVAL THURSDAY FOR BABY. WHAT HAPPENED? OH WELL, IS PROBABLY GOOD BCOS SISTER'S BOYFRIENDS MOM VERY DRUNK VERY ANGRY ON THURSDAY DIFFICULT TO HAVE QUIET NAP TIME OR PLAY NICE TMIE FOR BABY. DO BABY HAVE PROBLEM FOR LOUD SHOUTING? OR THROWING LAMPS ON OCCASSION? DO BABY HAVE GOOD REFLECTS? CAN BABY ACT INVISIBLE? THINKING NOW ALL IS IMPORTANT BABY SKILLS FOR NEW NANNY SQUARE. LET ME KNOW. ONCE AGAIN, THANK YOU FINE!!

P.S. FOUND (STOLE) SELL PHONE. DO CALL FOR MORE DETAILS. 514.67.3298...

Will Ben Call? Will I finally break down and give up my payment details? What makes sister's boyfriend's mom so angry? Stayed tuned for the next installment of Nanny Square!

Welcome to Nanny Square!

Hey guys, so as some of you know, not only am I a responsible, trustworthy and caring comedian, I'm also a hilarious, quick-witted and politically insightful babysitter! Since I have a contract ending soon, I've posted an ad on Craigslist looking for part-time jobs. I expected to find a bunch of D.I.Y., lefty, hippie parents eager to bring a like-minded comedian into their family; I should have expected a fair share of nutcases. First there was M, who wanted someone to take his baby for a few weeks while he was in Africa. This is his email, minus identifying details:

Hello my name is M_____
I work as an international business man and Textile Supply,I am 41yrs old,I was choosen to supply Textile and Cotton Tread for H & T textile Investment company In Africa and i will be going for not more than three weeks or less.
I have a baby of that will clock 2yrs in August,His name is t____,I'm Looking for someone that will be able to take Good care of this baby for me,And I will be leaving for my trip soon as i see someone to take care of the baby for me till i comes back.. Get back to the full details about how you render service out to customer. What do you want to know from me about t____?
Looking forward to read from you.
call me :1-XXX-322-4767.
Thanks,
M_____

Pretty fishy, huh? I believe my response was quite restrained:

Hi M_____,

Thanks for contacting me. My schedule has filled in and I'll be unable to help you out. Good luck finding someone to care for T_____!

And that was that. I thought I'd done an excellent job of keeping my comedic instincts in check. But then I got this, from ben_cury@yahoo.com :

Hi there! I've been looking on Craigslist for Baby sitter over 2 months Now and still have yet to be able to find a decent Baby sitter (Nanny) $800. I have well-behaved Child Theo Currz 5 years Old . I need Nanny with for my baby with (no offense, well behaved nanny and creative nanny ). Little about my husband He work Full-time at CHEAPFABRICS.CO.US for programming and I am planning on getting back into New teaching school for Massage Therapy. will are Trustworldy, non-smokers, straight and drama-free. i drink a little but mostly while out for dinner or at the club. i don't party and are pretty quiet types, love play drum for Middle-Eastern Belly Dancers (and only during the afternoon when it is suitable). i work full-time days and are very kind, and easy-going, and Inactive LDS but very open-minded. I'm 30 my husband is 37 Year . I am getting anxious and desperate wanting Nanny for my baby , but still have my eyes open for immediate baby sitter !! I am not picky, but I prefer to conclude this with immediate Effect (urgently Needed ). Please let me know if you are available for my service !Did you accept payment through Bank certified check or Money Order? i will like this to be conclude Asap by getting back to me with your Nanny payment details so my Husband can issue out the payment before our baby come Over to your nanny Squre ..
Reply me back with your Payment information ...did you agreed with the fees i want you to send you upon arrive of my child to your daycare
Make sure you get back to me with you......

a brief idea of your personality:
1) What academic qualifications do you possess?
2) Do you have any relevant certificate to back up your babysitting/Nannycareer?
3) How old are you?
4) Are you married?
5) Do you have any special attitude?
6) Do you have any crime records?
7) Do you have a valid drivers license?
8) Tell us more about your temperament .
9) Can we have one or two reference(s) from you?
Regards

This time, I decided to have some fun with what was obviously some kind of scammer. Reply you back? I'll reply you back, buddy. But where to begin? From horrible grammar to inconsistent use of capital letters to unnecessary personal details, it was all too much. Here's how I responded, never thinking we'd actually begin a correspondence:

SO GLAD YOU WRITE I HAVE BEEN LOOKING YET UNABLE FOR NANNY POSITION BABY THEO I LIKE CRATIVE NAME. NO (OFENSE) I SEEK BABY 2 YEAR OR OLDEST FOR WITH POTTY TRAIN NO DIAPER PROBLEM. LITTLE ABOUT ME I AM RESPONSABLE GOOD WITH BABY WELL I DRINK SOMETIMES BUT NOT FOR DAY WITH BABY NO WAY. I LOVE BIKE RIDE WITH FOR BABY OR WITH4OUT BABY DO YOU HAVE HELMUT FOR BABY. IN NANNY SQUARE IS TWO HELMUT FOR ME AND FOR OTHER CHILD. DO YOU HAVE TROUGLE I WATCH TWO OTHER BABY ONE BABY 3, THE OTHER ARE 4! I AM TRUSTWORLDY. NON-SMOKER, ADN DRAMA FREE WELL? SOMETIMES I HVAE DRAME BUT ONLY FOR MY BOYFRIEND. HA HA YOU KNOW. I PREFER TO CONCLUDE THIS WITH IMMEDIATE EFEFCT SO I WE'LL ANSER YOUR QU3STIONS.

a brief idea of your personality:
1) What academic qualifications do you possess?
TWO CREDITS FROM G.E.D. ONE MORE CLASS!

2) Do you have any relevant certificate to back up your babysitting/Nannycareer?
NO."

3) How old are you?
THRITY9

4) Are you married?
YES

5) Do you have any special attitude?
YESA

6) Do you have any crime records?
REPLY ME BACK I WILL CAN GIVE DETAILS (YES)

7. Do you have a valid drivers license?
YES

8) Tell us more about your temperament .
I DONT HAVE TEMPERAMENT AM VERY HEALTHY'

9) Can we have one or two reference(s) from you?
YES

Less than twelve hours later, I got this:

Good to read from you , am so delighted in giving you my child for care so i rest my trust in you ... now i urge your regard to forward me your details so i can proceed in sending you the payment and let you know when my child will arrive your place for service . hope am making sence in this mail ? Once again am glad you will now be among my family cos i see you the same way i am thank you ... write me back with your full name , contacy address, phone number so i can proceed as i stated .

thanks you

I know better than to send some sketchy stranger my full name and contacy address! But, like he said, he's « so delighted in giving me his child for care, » I thought I should write back.

THANKS YOU FOR REPLY I KNOW FAMILY TIME FEELNIG BETWEEN US NOW! BRING YOU BABY THEO TO NANNY SQUARE THURSDAY WILL ARRIVE GOOD TIME HELMUTS OKAY. YOU EMAIL MAKE PERFECT SENCE I KNOW WE FAMILY CARE TRUSTY. 8 A.M. FINE. CAN NOT CALL NOW.OTHER BABY BROKE PHONE AM ANGRY BUT FINE! LOOK FORWARD WITH MEET THEO1

Will Ben Cury/Currz write again? Will Theo arrive at Nanny Square for service? What the hell is Inactive LDS? Stay tuned!